So much has happened recently, you'd think I'd be all over this blog. On the eve of the eve of my 66th birthday, I find myself unable to think of much to say. I am officially admitting to severe depression. I now know what it is. It isn't that black dark hole; it isn't sadness; it isn't grief. It's numbness, lassitude, not knowing what to do from one day to the next.
I'm officially depressed.
I have been reading through this blog, and realized that the person who started this journey has been in hiding somewhere for the past couple of years. I think everything just finally caught up with me: breast cancer, death of several in-laws, death of cats, moves, and more moves; loss of friends through time, boredom and disagreements. It all just caught up. And I let myself drift into the trap of on-line games, letting them substitute for friends and the real world.
So, time to stop. Time to sign off the game, destroy my towns, say goodbye, and get back into the real world.
I'll be 66 on Sunday. I was contemplating ignoring the day, acting as if it were not special. I think instead I will celebrate.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Fir - 1995-2009
Fir has followed his litter brother to the catnip fields, nearly two months to the day. For the first time in my adult life, I am without a pet in the house. It feels strangely empty and devoid of a special energy I had not really been aware of.
Fir and Thomas were my husband's cats. I cannot imagine how bereft he must feel right now. There has been so much loss for him: his mother, his father, his brother, and now both of his cats. I who have felt so much loss have no words for him, only hugs and loving presence.
We may find out what caused Fir's final sickness. He started coughing and wheezing, and then just stopped eating. Was it kitty grief? Did he feel the loss of his brother more than we knew? I have no idea. I know he was in pain. I know his loss hurts me more than I thought it would.
Fir was one of those cats who assumed that the whole world loved him. Any stranger visiting might find him or herself catlapped, or even shouldered. He loved to drape himself over a shoulder and purr his heart out. I never felt a softer cat -- his fir was like mink, black lush mink. With his deep green eyes, and greyish white undercoat he was a sleek leopard of a cat. When he was younger he was a phenomenal leaper. We once found him on top of the floor to near ceiling bookcase. How he managed that was a puzzle we never solved.
The house is so silent now. Rest in peace, fur brothers. We miss both of you more than we can say.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
25 Things...
Since I've been tagged twice now, and I'm refusing to do stuff on Facebook that gets me more exposed, I'll put my 25 here. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged and find somewhere to post your 25 things -- or email them to me; I'm bored.
1. I've dug up dinosaur bones.
2. I was born in Silverton, Oregon.
3. I was adopted when I was 6 months old.
4. I danced with Fritz Leiber and got drunk with Harlan Ellison.
5. I am addicted to murder mysteries, especially Charlaine Harris and Robert Parker.
6. I have always owned cats, who do not like me, and have never owned a dog, who all seem to universally love me. I have determined that if I get another pet, it will be a dog. Perhaps a small one.
7. I love giving things away. I want to win the lottery so I can stand on a street corner and hand people $100 bills for an hour. With an armed guard at my side. (Hey, I'm a realist.)
8. I owned my first home at age 56. At age 66 my new home I am having built will be my third house I have owned. Time to put down some roots.
9. I am 100% in favor of gay marriage, and 110% in favor of love.
10. I am extremely liberal.
11. I played the cello until my early 20s, and was principal cellist of the Portland Jr. Symphony
12. I played the piano until my early 20s, and was never principal pianist of anything.
13. I sing in the shower, loudly, and love the sound of my voice. When I am not in the shower, I do not love the sound of my voice.
14. I harbor a secret desire to act in a play, any play.
15. I spend too much time alone, and hunger for the contact of like minds. I pretend that the people in the computer are real.
16. I have no boobs.
17. I own 28 bookshelves full of books. They are mostly science fiction, mysteries, and adventure. I have ever book Robert Ludlum has written, as well as Robin Cook and Dean Kuntz.
18. Nothing provides more pleasure than a quiet warm day at the garden, sitting peacefully in the shade, writing or sketching.
19. I have swam in the ocean nude, and sat in a hot springs at midnight in the mountains, staring at the stars.
20. I was in San Francisco for the entire Summer of Love, and in retrospect would have to say it was not so lovely as people would like you to think.
21. I once at breakfast with Janis Joplin.
22. I shook hands with Muhammed Ali and chatted for a minute. He was charming, intelligent and delightful.
23. I have 5 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren.
24. My adopted mother was a suffragette.
25. My adopted father was born in Norway. I grew up eating Norwegian food except for lutefisk, which to this day I have still managed to avoid. I have however eaten grasshoppers and snails, which I think is homage enough to strange gustatory experiences.
1. I've dug up dinosaur bones.
2. I was born in Silverton, Oregon.
3. I was adopted when I was 6 months old.
4. I danced with Fritz Leiber and got drunk with Harlan Ellison.
5. I am addicted to murder mysteries, especially Charlaine Harris and Robert Parker.
6. I have always owned cats, who do not like me, and have never owned a dog, who all seem to universally love me. I have determined that if I get another pet, it will be a dog. Perhaps a small one.
7. I love giving things away. I want to win the lottery so I can stand on a street corner and hand people $100 bills for an hour. With an armed guard at my side. (Hey, I'm a realist.)
8. I owned my first home at age 56. At age 66 my new home I am having built will be my third house I have owned. Time to put down some roots.
9. I am 100% in favor of gay marriage, and 110% in favor of love.
10. I am extremely liberal.
11. I played the cello until my early 20s, and was principal cellist of the Portland Jr. Symphony
12. I played the piano until my early 20s, and was never principal pianist of anything.
13. I sing in the shower, loudly, and love the sound of my voice. When I am not in the shower, I do not love the sound of my voice.
14. I harbor a secret desire to act in a play, any play.
15. I spend too much time alone, and hunger for the contact of like minds. I pretend that the people in the computer are real.
16. I have no boobs.
17. I own 28 bookshelves full of books. They are mostly science fiction, mysteries, and adventure. I have ever book Robert Ludlum has written, as well as Robin Cook and Dean Kuntz.
18. Nothing provides more pleasure than a quiet warm day at the garden, sitting peacefully in the shade, writing or sketching.
19. I have swam in the ocean nude, and sat in a hot springs at midnight in the mountains, staring at the stars.
20. I was in San Francisco for the entire Summer of Love, and in retrospect would have to say it was not so lovely as people would like you to think.
21. I once at breakfast with Janis Joplin.
22. I shook hands with Muhammed Ali and chatted for a minute. He was charming, intelligent and delightful.
23. I have 5 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren.
24. My adopted mother was a suffragette.
25. My adopted father was born in Norway. I grew up eating Norwegian food except for lutefisk, which to this day I have still managed to avoid. I have however eaten grasshoppers and snails, which I think is homage enough to strange gustatory experiences.
Sunday, Sunday
The brats are in the fridge, waiting to be grilled. The sauerkraut is ready. Since beer is no longer on my menu and sodas are out, the fizzy water with flavor and no sugar is chilling. Superbowl Sunday, gotta love it around here. I've given in to my inner football fan, and remembered how much I love the game.
I hear the Obamas are hosting a superbowl party. Somehow I didn't really think that an invitation was in the works, but hey, I donated. I can dream. I would love to be having a party myself, but my particular circle of friends are "above" football, as one of them liked to comment. I realize how visceral and uncivilized football can be. But I look at all those charts and diagrams, and the lists of plays on the quarterback's wrist, and know that it is far more complex than appearances would indicate. I am pleased that more and more, football announcers are former players and coaches. They have given me a greater understanding and appreciation of the game.
My head is clogged with ideas for art pieces I want to do. Some of them I know I will realize with much work but not a lot of difficulty. Others I doubt my ability to create, and this frustrates the heck out of me. Nevertheless I shall press ahead and try. I have some people in my periphery who subscribe to the notion that if you are pretty sure you won't be able to do something you might as well not try, because then you won't fail. I come from a different point of view. I figure the surest way to fail is never to try.
I am deferring most of my projects until we are in the new house. I'm lusting after that lovely open space of mine, and hopeful I will feel more like creating once we are there. For now, I'm spending my days making plans for the things I will make, and choosing floor tiles and lighting. Choosing the various light fixtures for an entire house has pretty much taxed my creative bone for a while.
I hear the Obamas are hosting a superbowl party. Somehow I didn't really think that an invitation was in the works, but hey, I donated. I can dream. I would love to be having a party myself, but my particular circle of friends are "above" football, as one of them liked to comment. I realize how visceral and uncivilized football can be. But I look at all those charts and diagrams, and the lists of plays on the quarterback's wrist, and know that it is far more complex than appearances would indicate. I am pleased that more and more, football announcers are former players and coaches. They have given me a greater understanding and appreciation of the game.
My head is clogged with ideas for art pieces I want to do. Some of them I know I will realize with much work but not a lot of difficulty. Others I doubt my ability to create, and this frustrates the heck out of me. Nevertheless I shall press ahead and try. I have some people in my periphery who subscribe to the notion that if you are pretty sure you won't be able to do something you might as well not try, because then you won't fail. I come from a different point of view. I figure the surest way to fail is never to try.
I am deferring most of my projects until we are in the new house. I'm lusting after that lovely open space of mine, and hopeful I will feel more like creating once we are there. For now, I'm spending my days making plans for the things I will make, and choosing floor tiles and lighting. Choosing the various light fixtures for an entire house has pretty much taxed my creative bone for a while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
